Come back to me, and I’ll fix everything! I’ll help you go back to college and try again! If it doesn’t work out, you can always go back to college a third time or a fourth or even a fifth. And I’ll pay for it all! See how much I love you.
Dear student loans,
Yes, you’ve been there supporting me every step of the way, every single time, at every institution. Who cares that after 20 years of higher education I only have a master’s degree and two bachelor’s degrees to show for it? It’s not embarrassing at all that I never finished a single doctorate — let alone the two I was working on — in all that time! It’s all about the journey, and none if it would have been possible without you.
And you’re right, no one else loves me like you do. When I couldn’t get a business loan (or a job for that matter), you were right there to finance yet another graduate degree program I would be teaching in had I simply paid out of pocket for my doctorate in the first place — with your help, of course.
And if I ever find a PhD program that will accept 20 years of transfer credits, I know you’ll be right there with me.
And when I finally get my doctoral diploma in the mail at 88 years old, your congratulatory reminder of payment due won’t be far behind.
No doubt, you’ll even be there to comfort my loved ones after my funeral. I won’t have any children, but some of my references from that first go around might still be living. I know you won’t let them forget just how much you did for me during my lifetime.
I just want you to know that I do really appreciate you, but unless I can get a job with a salary commensurate with my 20 years of higher education — or one your friends finally approves a business loan, I won’t be able to pay you back.
All my love,